Sunday, October 19, 2014

Good... Bad... I'm The Guy With The Crowbar

Recently, there's been a huge surge in popularity for specialized gift boxes. Some of them are monthly subscriptions, like Horror Block, and others are one-time gift ideas that can be personalized to suit the recipient's interests. One such organization is the group known as Man Crates Gifts for Men. As the name suggests, they craft unique loot collections that cater to men, with choices for retro gamers, new dads, poker players, and more. The best part is that it all arrives in a large wooden crate that you have to pry open with a crowbar. And the crowbar is included!

All very well and good, you may say, but what does this have to do with Halloween? So glad you asked, metaphorical reader. The fine folks at Man Crates Gifts for Men contacted us here at the Drive-in wanting to know what we'd include in a kit for the poor soul who's trapped in a horror movie and aware of that fact. Which items would prove the most useful in a nightmare scenario? What do you need to survive the terrors headed your way? And does beef jerky ever expire?

MC already has some excellent kits of their own for the specific event of a zombie outbreak, and those are highly recommended. But what we're doing here is compiling an essentials list for dealing with all the denizens of the horror movie universe that you might come across. The things that will keep you alive whether you're up against the walking dead, vampires, witches, sexy witches, vengeful spirits, werewolves, psycho killers, or simply hunger. Also aliens.

So, without further ado, our picks for surviving a horror movie:

1. How To Survive A Horror Movie by Seth Grahame-smith. No matter what project you're undertaking, there's nothing unmanly about consulting the guide. And if your project is staying alive in a world of curses, kaiju, and ax-men, then you'd better have this book. Grahame-smith covers every possible threat from killer dolls (it's a doll, just kick it!) to the devil himself, and recommends the best potential allies in your fight against evil. A very important read.

2. A Shake flashlight. As the author so eloquently lays out in the book above, the horror movie day still has 24 hours, but 21 of those hours are at night. And even when you're not in a nightmare scenario, you can NEVER find batteries. So go with one of these little babies. All you have to do is shake the flashlight vigorously and then turn it on for a bright, clear light that lasts a super long time. Of course, you may not want to see the monstrosity that's coming your way, but it's still better than stubbing your toe on a desk before getting eaten.

3. Waterproof flint. Supposing we're in an end-of-the-world-type deal here, the electricity is going to go fairly soon. That means no lights, no video games, and no microwave. A handy firestarter flint will ensure a light source at night, some protection in the form of a torch, and a way to cook that slightly dented can of SPAM you found. Speaking of...

4. Can opener. Small, lightweight, and absolutely essential in the event of zombies, alien invasion, or widespread plague, a simple can opener can make the difference between an actual meal and that half-chewed squirrel lying by the woodpile.

5. Wooden stake, garlic, and crucifix. Dealing with some aggressive bloodsuckers? These items will give you a fighting chance to make it to sunrise. I would have suggested holy water as well, but unless you're a Catholic priest or know one really well, that's rather harder to come by.

6. A silver bullet. Let's be honest, this is America. You're not going to have any trouble finding guns. But werewolves are notoriously tough to bring down, the only effective method being pure silver introduced to their heart. A silver bullet is the best way to make this happen, but be sure to make your shot count. You won't get another.

7. A first-aid kit. Those little cuts and bruises can be just as deadly as the monsters if they get infected. Take care of yourself!

8. Gerber Gator machete. Man Crates Gifts for Men already threw this item in their Zombie Annihilation kit, and it's a smart inclusion. You can hack apart obstacles and foes alike, and it makes for an excellent close-quarters weapon. Plus, blades don't need reloading.

9. Duct tape. Another essential that the crew at MC knew to give the zombie hunter who has everything, duct tape doesn't need to be explained.

10. fruit and vegetable seeds. Assuming you've managed to locate a safe haven, and the turmoil of outrunning the threat has turned to the stress of finding food, you need something sustainable. A well-rounded garden kit will go a long way in making your temporary fortress a more permanent home. 

11. A compass. Doing a lot of walking in the woods? It can be disturbingly easy to go in circles and become hopelessly lost. This simple utility will keep you on the right path, whether it's north for the colder temperatures and lower population or to find the coast and a boat.

 12. Binoculars. Need to scout ahead? Want to see the enemy before they see you? A good pair of binoculars will help. You may not be able to spot every possible threat, but it's a big improvement over "Let's just walk on through and see what we find."

13. Stealth tactical knife. So the inbred hillbilly with the collection of rusty farmer's tools and animal heads has you locked in his basement cellar. Make a last-ditch escape attempt by plunging a well-concealed blade deep into his eye. Then his other eye. Then his jugular. Then his stomach. Then clean it off, run out, call the police, and get some fast food. You must be hungry after all that exercise.

So there you have it! The things we can't do without when we're traversing the horror movie universe. Let us know in the comments what you would have included, and be sure to visit Man Crates Gifts for Men for some awesome gift ideas, and just maybe, some life-saving tools. Happy Halloween!

Special thanks to the staff of the Fredericksburg, VA Barnes and Noble for their ideas! You ladies are awesome!

1 comment:

  1. Looks great! Some of my recommendations even made it up there! Glad we were able to help out!